Actually the week seems to be just what I needed to finally settle in here. I contemplated going home for several days (I would still love to go back and get some more of my stuff), but I'm glad I decided not to eventually. I'm not sure how to explain it very well, but I've never been very good at balancing my life. I do one thing at a time. For example, when I was in school for my undergrad, I did school. I didn't date. I didn't really make friends. or live in any way one might except go to school and do school work. It may seem silly, but one of my big goals in attending grad school is learning how to balance all the different aspects of life. School, of course, but love and friendship and health too.
The first six weeks of school have been almost entirely me focused on getting settled into Vancouver and into school. And it was, just like it did during my undergrad, becoming the only aspect of my life. My new friends, all people in the same program and the same classes. My only productivity, school work. The only reason I leave my apartment, class attendance (or student organizations).
I can't say that has all changed in this single week of vacation, but it has given me the time to remember the other parts of me. And begin to figure out how to reinsert all the parts into my life. I can't say I'll succeed, but I want to try.
I guess the main catalyst for this was attending a dive bar local metal show last weekend. It was so incredibly amazing to hangout with a bunch of metalheads and just rock out to some hard music. Concerts have always been a big stress reliever, but it was also incredibly nice to chat with people who weren't young white girls who think books are the be all-end all of civilization. (not that I'm not those things, or disagree with any of it, but it's VERY homogenous at school and I find myself feeling a little outside of it due to age/experiences/that little bit of darkness that's always been inside me)
This brings me to another thing that I've kind of been thinking about all week.
When guys buy you stuff.
Like, a couple guys at the bar bought me drinks. Cool. Except...it makes me feel kind of indebted to them. Like, now I owe them something (conversation, sexual favors, I'm not sure, something). And it's uncomfortable. I realize that's not...exactly...their intention. But I can't help feeling that way. Is there a way to say no, but not make them feel like their attention in unappreciated? Because in my experience rejection of the drink is definitely taken as rejection of them.
But it's not just in this situation. I've had boyfriends on dates pay for meals and it evokes the same since of indebtedness. A lot of guys seem fine (thrilled, even) by going dutch, but a lot of guys also seem to feel really emasculated by it. And I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I hate feeling like I owe them something and I can't seem to help the feeling.
maybe more practice! haha.
here's one of the bands from the show:
(a gojira cover--gojira is amazing in case you didn't know)