So I finished orientation and the first week of classes and I'm finding it pretty easy to fall back into the roll of student. I suppose it's a role I've spent most of my life playing... But the fact is, I quite like it. I like talking to people about academic articles, and discussing ideas for papers, and all that fun stuff.
My classes are long and all squeezed onto Tuesdays and Wednesdays--the rest of the week is free. If by free, you realize I still have about 40 hours of homework/reading, but I'm not REQUIRED to be anywhere or to get out of my pajamas if I don't want to.
Because it's a 'professional' degree there are several professional groups, library associations, that have meetings and events that I'm supposed to go to (if I want to succeed "professionally"). I've pretty much gone to all of them last week and this week in order to get a feel for them, but I see maybe 3-4 that I'll continue to attend. So that's another 3-4 hours a week.
I think that the real challenge is having so much time 'self-scheduled.' NOT letting online movies/tv eat up all my so-called free time. This could happen so easily. Too easily. Have to keep myself organized and on top of things.
The actual life parts of life are, as always, harder. After arriving and basically spending all the cash I brought with me on my deposit and rent and new phone I found out that getting money from my america bank account to my canada account is harder than it should be--there's a 21 day hold on the money before I can start using it. Therefore, I have roughly $200 for this month's food and school supplies. Which I guess will prove just how frugally I can live if I need to rather than take debilitating loans.
--which brings up an entire terrible thing that happened after I arrived--all loans given by the US dept of Edu to the students in my classes were taken away based on an old rule that they had conveniently been ignoring until this year. Thankfully I had cancelled my loan due to a better offer from family so I wasn't depending on it, but it's left about 30 students with extreme shortages on how they're going to survive for the next year. SCARY! --
Also I had this weird thing with my last paycheck from Wal-mart (I was working as a cashier for the holiday season). They deposited what should have been my last check on dec 31 and then about an hour later took it back out of my account. I don't understand why. I do know there was some confusion when I quit because apparently when I gave notice, not everyone along the chain of command was informed...(they called the day after Christmas and were like where are you? we have you scheduled today at 9am! and I was like, umm...I gave you notice two weeks ago--written notice and verbal-- that I was quitting Christmas eve because I'm moving) and So, there's all this confusion hanging around that last check and it's been kind of a pain to call them and ask what's up due to be in a foreign country and having limited funds with which to make an out-of country phone call.
I feel like I'm always have way more trouble than anyone else I know about companies paying/not paying me. It's extremely frustrating.
I'm in the process of getting the Canadian equivalent of a Social security number so I can work part-time, but it's very much a process and a pain in the neck.
and I'm applying for their health care, another fun process, but YAY! health care!
So remember a couple months ago when I wrote up a nice "I'm back lj!'' entry and then didn't write anymore? Yea? Me too. Well, see, I forgot my password, typed in the wrong one too many times and LJ told me not to come back until I figured it out. Then I moved and my isp address changed and lj let me try again. So once again I know my password. hurrah! haha.
2014 snuck by quietly for me, with no real marking of the changing year. But 2015 has started and is already proving big things. Moved to the big city. Started school (finally). Can't figure out where to buy pillows locally, will probably have to give in and find a box store via bus. I hate riding the bus while hugging large items. meeting people, possibly making friends even. Finding out I'm really type A, as people tell me, "don't worry about it. we'll figure it out later..." OMG, I want to know now, do it now, NOT have nightmares about it for weeks while we "figure it out." You're killing me.
phew, it's been a while since I've written. Wow. Since i've still been hopping onto lj to read friend's posts, I hadn't realized it's been months since i've written anything about my own life. And I guess since most of my closest friends have moved to other venues (i.e tumblr), I feel like writing here is equal to writing in my own paper and pen journal--as in, no one's reading it. haha.
Coming home was apparently really hard for me. I got pretty depresseed for a while and found it really hard to get back into the groove. I'd been living on my own for almost 9 years and suddenly I was back in my childhood bedroom and it was as if nothing had ever changed--like I had never changed. There was some touch and go days where I'm pretty sure I completely reverted to my 17 year old self, the self who belonged in this room. Days I never left my bed...why bother? Nights I stayed up wondering what I had done to myself by moving back. Worried I had made the wrong decision. Knowing I had made the wrong decision. I had never belonged in my hometown, never understood the people who choose to stay here. And after several years of living in some of the biggest, livliest cities in the world it was hard to readjust to living in a town with one grocery store, 11 bars and 12 churches and nothing else of note.
And then I couldn't get a job. I applied and applied and applied. Hundreds, if not thousands of applications and I only got 2 interviews. I had even talked to people about volunteer positions and then never heard back from them. It was hard to not take it personally and not begin to wonder what was wrong with me.
Life seemed to be spiraling downward.
And then I suddenly got a job. And I got accepted to grad school. And I remembered a small bit of my independence and remembered that if I couldn't find friends who would go out with me, I was an adult and could go out by myself. That in fact, I enjoy doing things by myself. I began liking myself again and it was wonderful.
But 7 months of hiding in my bed had done some bad things to my body and my self esteem.
I've spent the last few months working hard, dragging myself out of the comforts of my childhood bedroom and the warm and cozy blanket of insecurity.
I've been going to the gym and trying to eat healthier. I've lost about 20 lbs, which brings my back to my weight in college, but no where near what I was while living in Taiwan (my version of "skinny"). That's roughly another 50lbs to go. haha. yea, right. But already I feel so much better, like I have enough energy to live again.
And I started taking piano lessons again. I missed it so much, sitting at the piano and working through a challenging song measure by measure. And that feeling of accomplishment when you successfully play through a piece.
This is the piece I'm working on now (Chopin's Ballade in G minor). And while there's no way I'm going to get it learned by the time I leave for school I've already improved so much on it it's amazing. I'm going to keep it up when I leave. Don't let me leave behind this feeling again--I've already spent several years in Asia without the piano, don't let me waste any more years that way.
And grad school. Geez. I thought getting in was difficult. The crazy amount of paperwork I have had to do since then for a visa, for scholarships, for classes, for work study/internships has surely prepared me for classes. So MUCH WORK!!
I guess I just wanted to say that I've been working really hard to improve myself, financially, mentally, creatively, superficially, etc. But one place I still pretty much suck is relationships. The kind with opposite sex and the kind with friends. I've kind of stopped bothering with boys, since I'll be moving in a couple months it seems cruel to waste their time with something i know isn't going to be anything while at the same time I just can't be a one night, casual kind of girl. As much as I sometimes wish I could be. I miss boys.
And friends. I keep trying. Inviting everyone I know in the area out on weekends. Let's go to the renaissance faire, let's go shopping, let's go the theater, let's go to this concert, let's go to this geology club, whatever! Everything. Anything. And I think I've only been out with a friend, maybe twice? since I wrote last--that was four months ago!!! But I'm tired to trying, I can't sustain these friendships all by myself. But I also don't know how to make new friends here. So...I feel like I'm just biding time till I head back to school and I hate that feeling. I can't keep spending MY LIFE biding time for the next thing.